during my qt today…

me: (lots and lots of rantings and complainings) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx………… where is the respect that…..
God: (interupts me) why do u respect Me?
me: because You love me
God: why do u respect pauline?
me: because she loves me
God: then do the same to _______ to earn her respect
me: huh……….. but God…. IT’S SO DIFFICULT…………. not like i never tried loving ____.
God: (kept silent)

i tried to listen to His reply but He didnt say anything.

me: okok… but God, i will really really need more of Your grace. plse help me.
God: I will. My grace is more than sufficient for you. My grace is made perfect in Your weakness.

oh man. God…. i dunno wat to say le. all i noe is that i need more conviction in my heart to love ___. help me God.

sometimes i really really really really really really really really really dun comprehend u at all

sometimes i really really really really really really really really really feel like screaming at u

sometimes i really really really really really really really really really wanna drill some sense into u and ask u to wake up

WHY? )=

God… i need more of Your grace……………………….. )’=

service! (:

helped out at children’s church children’s day event again today. (:

did busing, which was sth new to me, at jurong west area. i became a nanny, sister, fren, teacher, mother and an aunty all within that few hours when i was serving. i had to walk in and out of the auditorium to bring the kids to toilet. haha. oh wells.

after busing the kids home, justin and i were dead tired. we just sat in the bus and didnt talk at all as the bus uncle drove us back to lakeside station.

made my way down to expo. did a really stupid thing. haha. slept all the way to tenah merah station as usual. queued for service at 330. i was really shocked that queuing at 330 would cause me to still be in the 2nd section of the queue! -faints- but of course, with much experience gained, i’ve become a really seasoned queuer. haha. i squeezed and whizzed my way to the front. and yayy!! got really good seats today! (:

sang a new worship song for svc today. awesome song! (:

during ministry/offering time, i was truly touched by the presence of God. as i wrote down my visions and dreams at the back of my offering envelope, i cried out to God that i really wanna see these visions and dreams come to past!

1) to be ___
2) to do well in school
3) to go to SOT next year

and i dunno why, i just teared. God reminded me of His goodness.. that everything is possible with Him. God does not choose the gold or silver vessels, but He chooses the willing vessels.

and i really love the new song we sang today!

there was a line that said sth like how would my life be without You and at that point, i teared. i really love God. i really cannot imagine how my life would be if i draw away from God. i have become so dependent on God, i cant bear to let Him go. i just wanna cling on to Him ever so tightly. there were times i admit that i felt like leaving, backsliding… but now, come to think of it, how foolish am i to entertain such tots?

when i choose to backslide, im actually choosing to leave behind many many things that God has promised me.

in conclusion, i’ll never ever wanna leave God. (:

pauline spoke to us after svc today. i really felt that it was a good talk. she spoke of many things that i’ve always wanted to say. but becoz i dun have that authority to say, i cant. so ya. thank You Jesus! (:

fellowship today was great too! almost everyone stayed back! there were ard 17 of us! PTL! it’s one of the rare few fellowships where we have so many pple.

i just hope it will stay that way or even better, the number of pple staying for fellowship will increase.

God… listen to the cry of my heart…

CHILDREN’S DAY 2007

i just came back from helping out at children church for their big event which is the children’s day celebration! (:

i actually signed up to help out for only the morning session, but ended up staying for the afternoon session as well. and now, i’m starting to wonder if i did make the right decision to stay on and if i was wise in doing. becoz for one, i’m starting to get really worried abt my mid terms. secondly, my legs are aching. thirdly, i’m dead tired.

i noe and i noe that i’m in a period of being stretched once again. but i pray and i pray to God that as i sowed my time into serving at children’s church today, God will help me to multiply my time and work His miracles on me.

oh yes, just to sidetrack, it’s finally rain over sky clear (yu guo tian qing)! haha. -smiles-

okies, just a short update on wat happened at the big celebration today!

i woke up with only 4hrs of sleep. and in fact, i was feeling all grouchy and grumpy and tired. call me miss grumpy alright. so miss grumpy got changed and made her way down to jurong west.

upon arrival, i literally just sat outside jurong west and stoned until we were told where to report. during briefing, i was hoping that i would be assigned to do ushering/tag checking at B4 so that i could watch the celebration. and God is good, my prayer was answered.

tho i felt tired and grumpy in the morning, things took a turn when i started helping out. it was fun, and i enjoyed myself. becoz i was doing ushering/tag checking at B4, we could enter the audi and watch the children church workers busy preparing and rehearsing for the event.

as they were rehearsing, the presence of God just came. i was truly touched as i saw how much each and everyone of them have put into the whole event. becoz they love kids, they wanna make a difference in their lives. becoz they wanna serve God wholeheartedly without any reservations, they gave their 100% to God each and every time they serve in the children church ministry. i dunno how to put it across, but indeed, it isnt easy. i saw things from a different POV today.

that was when i made up my mind that tho i may not be up on stage doing wateva these pple were doing, but my role as an usher cum tag checker was indeed just as impt. i gave my best, served the kids, and looked out for anything that may require my help like bringing the kids to the toilet etc.

the whole event started off with a bang. the games, performances etc were really fantastic!

then came the time when i was really touched. it was praise and worship. the kids enjoyed praise! they were jumping up and down, singing, clapping and following the actions! they were indeed adorable and very cute! (=

soon, it was worship. we sang the song “i love You sweet Jesus”. gosh! i really really love that song to bits! as the song was being sang, the presence of God just flowed and flooded the whole auditorium. and when the camera zoomed in on this boy while he was worshipping God, he was so focused and so deep into worshipping God. for a moment, i oso tot that i saw him tear! there was just sth different abt the way he worshipped… so simply, so pure, so true… at that moment, i dunno why, i just teared. the presence of God touched me… this boy touched me deeply too… and the song… i just really love that song.

sometimes, we take for granted tat we just openly say and proclaim that we love Jesus… or when we do our quiet time, we just say (maybe just for the sake of saying it?) that i love You Jesus… but we have never really meant it. and out of the depths of my heart today, as i sang along with the kids, i really really really meant wat i sang when i sang i love You sweet Jesus. it’s like… my love for God is just growing deeper and deeper. i really cant imagine my life without Him. even at this point, as i type this entry, i feel like tearing. i wanna run up to the highest mountain and proclaim to the world that i love Him! (:

so anyway, after worship, everything went on smoothly and ended off with a blast! as the kids made their way out, i happily wished them happy children’s day and many even hi-fived with me! so cute right!!

after the morning session ended, i decided to stay on the afternoon one. i went off for lunch with cong yan and vanessa. as we were making our way to the coffee shop, i kept pondering… why isit that kids can bring down the presence of God so easily? and it’s not that many of them really have an encounter with God. but this is just sth i couldnt fig out.

that was when God spokes and reminded me of the verse where He said that let all the little children come into His kingdom and let no one be left outside. (i think the verse is along this lines. hee) God clearly showed me today how much He loves the little children. they are so precious in His eyes. but still, i kept thinking, why such a strong presence of God. then God spoke again and told me that becoz kids are simple, innocent, trusting and pure. they just believe in wateva u say and with such simple faith, they sang the worship song with all their heart. they come before God with no agenda… with no motives… but they just come before God – simple, pure and innocent.

dun really noe how to put it across but yea…

now i understand why having a child-like faith is good. (:

okies! a short entry became so long! -faints!

it’s time for me to start studying!

“Believing in people before they have proved themselves is the key to motivating people to reach their potential.” -John C. Maxwell

wow.. a simple quote..

but yet… it seems to speak VOLUMES…

that’s wat being a Barnabas is all abt (:

today a certain someone told me a decision that she made. wat i feared most came to past.

yes, i was upset becoz honestly, there is this emotional attachment to her afterall. but if she thinks that the decision she made will make her happier, i’ll support her.

but i must not be disheartened. i must press on.

pompom can do it. pompom really can do it.

press on and press on and press on.

tho i may not really like how things are now, but i believe in the power of one. i believe that i’ll be able to bring abt a change.

yes, i can do it.

sometimes when we touch by olivia

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I’m only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you’ve tried
I’ve watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

oooooooooo………. i really love this song! heard this song from shayna’s blog! think both of us have the same liking for songs! hee.

yayy!! the weekends are here! recess week is here! WHOOO!!! hee.

pam is happy happy! very happy!
pam is high!
pam is crazy!

looking forward to the many things that are going to take place!

oh yes! and i really wanna thank God for this job opportunity with really flexible timings after my tuition ends! (: tho i have not submitted the application form nor have i gone for the interview yet, but i still wanna thank God! i believe i’ll get the job! AMEN! God is indeed our Jehovah Jireh – our Provider!

i was still so worried abt my finances becoz building fund is coming up. and i wanna go to SOT next yr plus i wanna go back to malang for missions plus i may wanna get a new guitar! GOSH! all these need finances! but God will provide! AMEN! hee.

looking back at this week…

it was a rather hectic week.
2 tuitions on monday.
personal discipleship class with pastor + shayna’s bday celebration on tues

side track a bit, the discipleship class with pastor was AWESOME!! im really so thankful for this privilege and honour to have discipleship with pastor audrey!

tuition + BS on wed
tuition + visitation on thurs

oh! i was so happy when kelly said bye to tim and i when we left her house on thurs! she very sweetly said “bye bye teacher tim. bye bye teacher pam.” OH MAN! u noe it took us like MONTHS to teach her our names and how to greet us!! can u imagine how elated i was when she said bye to us with our names mentioned without any prompting from any of us?! haha. so happy la!

today was REST DAY!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! coz my tuition kid cancelled tuition. hehe. so i took a 2-hr nap! so i’m awake now! haha. YAYY!! but i was supposed to study, ended up designing my book. oh wells. studying will start soon. tho i doubt i will get to do any studying during the weekends… =S

MC meeting + church + huilin and shu coming over for our secret project =P on sat
cell group + LOL celebration dinner on sunday!

packed eh? haha. but God will see me thru!

next week is another mad rush week tho it’s my recess week! seems like even before the week ends, my next week is alr mapped out! bleah. and everyone wants my monday next week! WHY WHY! ):

and looking at my schedule, seems like the only times for me to study would be in the mornings and maybe early afternoons. GOSH.

i need God’s grace, wisdom and peace. (:

ALL THAT I AM

ALL THAT I AM
ALL THAT I HAVE
I LAY THEM DOWN BEFORE YOU O LORD
ALL MY REGRETS
ALL MY ACCLAIM
THE JOY AND THE PAIN
I’M MAKING THEM YOURS

THINGS IN THE PAST, THINGS YET UNSEEN
WISHES AND DREAMS
THAT ARE YET TO COME TRUE
ALL OF MY HOPE, ALL OF MY PLANS
MY HEART AND MY HANDS ARE LIFTED TO YOU

LORD I OFFER MY LIFE TO YOU
EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN THROUGH
USE IT FOR YOUR GLORY
LORD I OFFER MY DAYS TO YOU
LIFTING MY PRAISE TO YOU
AS A PLEASING SACRIFICE
LORD I OFFER YOU MY LIFE

WHAT CAN WE GIVE
THAT YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN
AND WHAT WE HAVE
THAT IS NOT ALREADY YOURS
ALL WE POSSESS ARE
THESE LIVES WE’RE LIVING
AND THAT’S WHAT WE GIVE TO YOU LORD

i sang this song for my quiet time today and the presence of God just came into my room. i was reminded of wat pauline preached at cell gorup meeting today abt Barnabas. and God reminded me of how pauline is a Barnabas in my life. i’m really thankful indeed to have such a wonderful leader like pauline.. how she constantly showers me with her love and care and forgiving me of the wrong i have done. i would not have been where i am today if not for her. she saw the potential in me and believed in me. thank you pauline for being such an impt part in my life!

and i was truly touched when God spoke to me. there’s this part in the song that i’ve bold. it really speaks of how i’m feeling. sometimes my dream of being a _________, seems so far away. sometimes i really dunno wat to do so that i can be a step closer to ____. then God spoke and He said that it will come to past.. my dreams will come to pass.. my calling will come to pass.. as long as i hang in there.. as long as i dun give up… as long as i cont being faithful…

actually, i really like this song becoz it really speaks millions to me and the situation that i’m in…

and God said too, that the things that i have done in secret when no one else has seen, God noes it. He saw wat i’ve done. He saw the sacrifices i made. He saw the times when i secretly and quietly yet faithfully did all the significant and insignificant things.

just like wat Jesus said that He has come not to be served but to serve others.

if Jesus came to serve others, wat more can i ask for but to be of service to others too?

indeed, servanthood is the foundation of leadership – a quality that many pple may think lowly of, but servanthood indeed, is a quiet sort of strength in a leader. (=

an EVENTFUL day

there’s many thing that i wanna blog abt.. but i guess i’ll just blog abt today first..

it was a mad rush day for me!

the day started off with me waking up 6am in the morning just so that i can finish doing my intro to stats assignment. the assignment was much easier than expected! i happily finished my assignment, dressed up and was very delighted that i left my house early so that i could be on time for my FIRST bio lab lesson in NUS! (more than half the time i’m late for lessons, so i felt really proud of myself that at least i made that effort today to be early!)

but lo and behold, when shayna and i were at science fac, we got LOST trying to find our way to the lab! venue given: LS LAB 4. who on earth would noe that LS means life science? esp when we are biz students! we asked around trying to get directions, but the pple we asked pointed us to different directions. only the last guy whom we asked was smart enough to tell us that LS meant LIFE SCIENCE! but he wasnt sure of where this lab was located at.. -faints-

so our last resort was to call adeline and wake her up from her sleep. i must say that she gave really good and clear directions! -claps- (: in no time, we found our way to the lab! but lo and behold again, the doors to the lab was LOCKED! shayna and i completely missed the first door which was unlocked. so we tot we were locked out of the lab! our last resort again, was to frantically and DESPERATELY knock the last door that we tried.. pathetically peering thru the small holes in hope that some kind soul would help us open the door!

well, eventually, someone did. haha.

we went in with many many pairs of eyes staring at us like as tho we were aliens from mars! we were “greeted” by this very fierce, over-sized, domineering, husky-voiced lab assistant! as how shayna puts it, bespectacled, plump with short hair.

she gave us a really stern warning that if we were going to be this late in future, we will be barred from entering the lab. but it wasnt like as tho we were late on purpose, but we were late coz we COULD NOT figure out our way ard the science fac and we got lost! besides, we were only 15 mins late. she wasnt so harsh to the other pple who came in later than us! i’m very sure she has sth agst the both of us.

putting that aside, we had a really really nice lab teacher! and i’m VERY THANKFUL for that! when we were all flustered and lost in the lesson, he was patient enough to guide us thru the experiments tat we were supposed to do. in no time, we caught up with the rest of class! thank God! (:

anyway, i like the lab coz its air conditioned! haha. unlike that in st nicks and vj. hee. i nv really liked lab lesson but today’s lab lesson was fun! maybe coz i had shayna to accompany me and more than half the time, we were playing with our microscope and taking photos! hee. =D

me in my disposable lab coat! hee

why cant i seem to see anything thru the microscope? )=

our experiment

the microscope! hee.

shayna washing up her apparatus!

my turn my turn! hee.

our workstation

our results

being so grateful towards the lab teacher, shayna and i approached him after lessons… asking if we could sit at the same place next week. the moment the fierce lab assistant saw us, she immediately asked in a VERY DEMANDING tone “excuse me, wat’s ur problem?” more like excuse mdm, wat IS YOUR PROBLEM? so we said “nothing nothing” and we walked out of the lab, imitating watever she did.

and GUESS WAT! even before we could walk 3 metres away from the lab, MISS DOMINEERING came chasing after us! she stomp out of the lab and in the same VERY DEMANDING tone, she growled “BOTH OF U, COME HERE.” instantaneously, shayna and i froze on the spot, we tot she heard us imitating her while we were leaving the lab. but GUESS WAT again! she started questioning us wat is OUR PROBLEM! -faints!- i was so irritated becoz she really didnt have to poke her nose into our affairs. i mean, wat’s meant for u to hear, u will eventually hear it. if not, stop being such a busybody la! rah. so shayna, keeping her cool, replied her in a very elegant, refined, subtle tone (yet u could tell that her words and tone contained a tinge of sarcasm) that we were just asking if we could sit at the same place for the next lesson.

immediately, we could tell that she was embarrassed. when we related this incident to our frens, they came up with the conclusion that MISS DOMINEERING tot that we were toking abt her to mr nice lab teacher. HAHA! =P

so right after lab lesson, we rushed off from science fac back to biz for intro to stats tutorial. after that, with a short break of 30mins, i rushed thru my meal becoz i had an interview to attend.

the “exciting” part and i would say, the highlight of the day would be during the interview. the interview was as per normal, until towards the end when i posed a qns to the interviewers. they were stunned, shocked, taken aback and caught off guard i suppose. but since its a sensitive issue, i’m not gonna blog abt it. but all i can say is that i’m very proud of myself becoz i’ve said all i wanted to say and voiced all i wanted to voice. honestly, i wouldnt have been able to go thru the interview without God giving me the wisdom and the boldness to say and question watever i did. besides, in such a situation that i was in, there was an extreme need to be tactful and to think before i speak which by God’s grace, i was able to do it! (:

but i wont deny the fact that i’m very disturbed by wat is going on. SOMETHING MUST be done to either rectify it or keep it to the minimum.

when i related the whole story to the gals and the happy 3 frens, they said i did the right thing. and yup! i think i did the right thing too! proud of myself! (:

thank You Jesus! (:

so after the interview, i had management science tutorial which i totally dun understand. i’m seriously lost in that module and its really time i do sth abt it before mid term exams! -panics-

after the tutorial, we were suppose to have managerial econs assignment meeting for 30 mins but thankfully, the meeting was cancelled. so i had 30 mins to kill before i headed down for tuiton. that was when i found out sth quite unpleasant when i was walking around the biz faculty.

initially, there was a very strong urge in me to confront dwarf if he really did say wat i heard. but yet, there was sth else that was holding me back, telling me not to. no doubt, that was the Holy Spirit. so i kept my cool and pretended that i found out nothing, tho deep inside, there was a buring rage in me to stand up and defend my fren from dwarf.

putting that aside, God spoke and reminded me of how He will fight for us in times when we feel that we are not justified and accused. when we dun retaliate, if does not mean that we are weak.. it does not mean that we are easily trampled over… it does not mean u can take advantage of us! meekness is not weakness.. but it is a sign of GREAT STRENGTH in a person. so BEWARE! when i choose not to retaliate, the sole reason is becoz i do not want to fight with my own strength. but becoz i’m letting my ALMIGHTY GOD deal with u.. i’ll let Him fight on my behalf.

i’ll do wat i’m supposed to do and leave the rest to God. period.

i rushed off for tuition after that and found out from my kid that he’s having his exams in 2 weeks time! that literally came to me as a heart attack! -faints- but thankfully, his exams will end before my mid term starts. even so, i really need God’s grace and strength like never before to be able to juggle between tuition, school, studying for mid term, church and many other things. most imptly, during this period of time, i noe my capacity is going to be stretched and enlarged once again. but even so, i do not want to fall into the trap of being so self-absorbed and busying abt with my own stuff only.

which reminds me, this certain fren of mine whom i met today asked me how on earth am i able to juggle and handle all the stuff that i have on. in fact, she isnt the only one who asked me such a qns before. of course, i just smiled at her. i didnt noe how to reply her but deep down inside, i noe that the answer is becoz i have God! becoz i have His strength and grace upon me.. that in times when i feel weak and feel like giving up, His grace is more than sufficient for me… His strength and grace is made perfect in my weakness. He is the reason and motivating factor that gives me the drive in life! PTL! (:

anyway, after tuition, i rushed down to city hall to meet the gals for ade’s farewell dinner. she’s leaving for UK in a week’s time! ): we went to our usual place – NEW YORK NEW YORK! ate our usual munchy mushrooms. hee. we had a great time just chilling out with each other and catching up and taking LOTS of photos! haha. oh, and i had a great time taking lots of free candy floss too! HAHA. =P

our conversations went on to sth much deeper and more serious after that. that was when i realise that despite everyone’s busy-ness, pple still need God. pple still need to know God! becoz ultimately, deep within the soul, there is this emptiness and longing to be filled. but only and only the love of God can fill up this hole.

i thank God i have Him that despite my busy-ness, i’ve not felt lonely or empty… that i noe and i noe the reason why i’m doing wat i’m doing! thank You Jesus! (:

if i have sth good, wat use is there to keep all these goodness to myself and not spread it around? i really hope that my frens too can get to my God.. (:

step out of the boat

And Peter answered Him, ‘Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.’ He said, ‘Come!’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, and he came toward Jesus” (Matthew 14:28-29 AMP).

Today’s Word from Joel and Victoria

Why do you suppose Peter wanted to get out of the boat? Why did he all of the sudden think he could walk on water?

Well, you might say, “Joel, it’s because he saw Jesus open the blind eyes and cleanse the lepers.” Yes, that’s true. But the other disciples in the boat saw the same things. Why didn’t they want to get out?

I believe it was because Peter understood that it was his time. He stirred his faith up. He believed at that moment that he could do what God placed in his heart.

Jesus said, “Peter, do you want to get out of that boat?” He said, “Yes, I do.” Jesus replied, “Well, come on out.”

Notice that Jesus didn’t say, “Peter, stay in that boat. Don’t you know I’m the Son of God?” No. He said, “Peter, I like your attitude of faith. I like the fact that you believe you can do great things.”

I encourage you today to have that same kind of boldness. Start believing that your time is here!

All the dreams that you’ve buried, those desires that you thought would never work out, it’s time to start believing again.

It’s your time, and it’s time to step out of the boat!

be blessed by the msg! (: