i dont think this blog will ever be in use again… started a new private blog… good bye to this blog…

ok, this blog is collecting so much dust that i think it might be about a few metres thick of dust…

but well, its good that no one reads this blog now.. at least i hope so!

i just got back my results for my biz policy individual essay… BADLY DONE. lowest score is 56/10, average is 76/100, median is 77.. and guess what i got… 65… that’s bad.. really bad..

i feel so depressed by my work recently.. i honestly feel that i’m working so much harder this sem… but i’m not getting the results that i desire..

it’s a rubbishy feeling having not to be able to see the results that i hope to get…

i do wanna do honours.. but my results.. its like crap.. i honestly feel like as though there is no way to pull up my cap to a 2nd upper class honours… and that’s crappish… i really feel so sad…

really very sad.. i just feel like giving up.. and its horrible to feel this way..

maybe i aint that smart after all… i hope i’ll be able to survive in society next time when i’m out there working…

 

i feel so sad and depressed i dunnno wat to do..

my emotions are putting a toil on me…

one moment i’m good, another moment i’m down..

i need You God..

recently, there has been so many things running through my mind that i cant help but to wanna find some place where i can scream and let it all out!

i cant help but to surrender every part of me to the Almighty One.

my soul and my spirit is yearning… yearning for something greater… yearning for a breakthrough like never before!

inside of me, im struggling to exchange the burden i’m carrying with God’s burden. God says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light… i want to exchange mine for His. but i just cant let it go. i cannot carry on like this, i need to learn how to let go and let God. to no longer rely on myself and my ways, but to trust in Him who is above all else!

is running this race difficult?
yes, it definitely is.
do i feel like giving up?
yes, i definitely do.

but one thing that keeps me going, it is the love and the sense of destiny that God has placed in my heart.

pple may not understand the things i do… they may not understand why i’m doing certain stuff…

but those close and dear to my heart will definitely understand.

Jesus had 12 disciples, but only 3 were closest and dearest to Him. simply because they understood the heart of the Greatest Leader ever. they know what it means to flow with Him, what it means to be on the same page as Him

it breaks my heart to hear and see how things are now. it really really does. where where where is the love that God has commanded us to have to those around us? where is it? where is it?

i’m crying… out of a desperation… out of a frustration… out of a broken heart of wanting to see a change and a breakthrough in the current situation.

God, plse help me. plse plse plse help me. You are the strength of my heart and that tho my heart may fail, i noe that You will never fail me. keep me strong, keep my faith strong. i need YOU more than ever before. to rely on You… to rely on Your strength. break me O Lord…

leaders live because they wanna make the dreams and visions a reality.

You’ve spoken forth Your word. and i want to see that word coming to pass. i know that as long as i You said it, i believe it, that does it!

SATAN, GET BEHIND ME!

its been such a long time since i last blogged! and man! u really cannot imagine how busy i’ve been after my exams have ended!!

hence, explaining why this blog has been neglected!

first it was LOUD camp, then the PC show and now, my goodness, settling all the after-PC-show stuff!

u really really never know all that is going on at the back end after all the sales at the PC show! it’s really crazy! having to settle all the problems with the different orders! my goodness!!!! i wanna faint man!!!! haha.

BUT God has really been good to me!!! in many ways!! thank You Jesus!!! (=

“Growth has not only rewards and pleasures but also many intrinsic pains and always will have. each step forward is a step into the unfamiliar and is possibly dangerous. it also means giving up something familiar and good and satisfying. it frequently means a parting and a separation, even a kind of death prior to rebirth, with consequent nostalgia, fear, loneliness and mourning. it also means giving up a simpler and easier and less effortful life, in exchange for a more demanding, more responsible, more difficult life… it therefore require courage, will, choice, and strength in the individual, as well as protection, permission and encouragement from the environment.”
-Abraham Maslow

one word: WOW!
one question: WHAT IS YOUR GROWTH LIKE??

ho ho ho.

i rmbr joce once told me that everyone would go through a skinny period in their life and i rmb replying her.. “but i havent gone thru it yet!!!”

well, maybe it’s that skinny time for me!!! AHAHAHAHA. i unknowingly lost abt close to 5kg since the end of last year! and well, i really really didnt do anything! i just lost weight like this! haha.

yea, that’s a good and happy thing!! so if it’s really my skinny phase now, then i pray with all my heart that i’ll be able to lose another 5kg!!! that would be AWESOME!!!!

so plse put “pam wants to lose another 5kg” as ur prayer list item and pray for me! MUAHAHAHAHA. thanks yo!!!! (=

HOHOHO. i wanna box myself up down left right centre can!!!!!!

i read my 2nd post on the blog and i realised that i forgot one very very impt person that i thank God for!!!!!!!!! how could i!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! totally unforgiveable mannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!

but hopefully this post specially dedicated to her would redeem myself!!! hehe. (=

that person whom i thank God for is NICOLE!!!!!! (=

haha. i love u my dearest gal!!! looking back, WOAH! we’ve known each other for quite some time alr!! 3 years perhaps?? and to see how much u have grown year after year, i feel so happy!!!

i’m really glad to see u coming back to church!!!! and i pray with all my heart that our Father in Heaven will cont to bless u in every single area of ur life!!!! ur very very precious to me!!! thanks for all ur gifts, ur msgs, ur encouragement, and ur purple carebear!!!!!

i know that God has great things installed for u life and as u cont to walk in the purpose and destiny He has for u, keep that fire, that passion for Him strong k!!! (=

i love u!! and here’s a great big CAREBEAR HUGGGG!!!! (= love ya!!!

all the studying is making me go BONKERS!!!!!!!

i seriously seriously HATE accounting info systems!!!!!!! COME ON!!! i dun care wat ERS, EDI, RFID and all the funny funny accounting info systems terms!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! LORD!!! PLSE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thankfulness (:

i realised that in my past few entries, my blog has become my way of expressing myself and my source of outlet for my feelings. but today, i decided that i want to blog abt how thankful i am!! a blog entry that i’ve always wanted to type but failed to do so coz of laziness! hee.

despite having to struggle a little here, a little there, i’m pretty much thankful for all that God has done for me!!

i’m thankful for my wonderful and awesome cell group n440! a united bunch of wacky, LOUD, noisy, funky and happening youths!! i love them so so so much i’m willing to do anything and everything for them!

i’m so thankful for the growth that God has added to the cell group! the new pple, new frens, new faces!!! (=

i’m thankful for my AWESOME girlfrens, joce, jen, fen and mel!! (=

i’m thankful for chris, a great helper, mbr and friend!!! always willing to go the extra mile and always willing to avail himself for the kingdom of God!!

i’m so thankful for shijie aka mr tang!!!!!!! =DDDD

i’m thankful for roy!!!! my ex-tuition kid, mbr, friend and fruit!!! the 2nd person who i brought to church and stayed!!! i’m so happy to see how much he has changed and how he’s so on fire for God now!!! (=

i’m thankful for joo!!! chris is my right hand and joo’s my left!!! amazing gal but yet can be very crazy too! haha. a wonderful mbr and friend! (=

i’m thankful for aini!!!! she possesses a quiet sort of strength, determination and will power!!! another gal who is always so willing to go the extra mile and avail herself whenever possible! (=

i’m thankful for kelly! a crazy, hyper, LOUD gal who adds on to the fun and noise in cell group!!! (=

i’m thankful for clarence!!! though he’s a little new to the cell group, but he’s willing to stand in the gap and give it his all for the cg!

i’m thankful for kayven!!!!! 13 years old only!!!!!! but yet, he loves God, loves the cg and knows what it means to go the extra mile!!! he has a really good attitude and to see how much he’s grown, i’m so proud of him!!! (=

i’m so thankful for liping!!! haha. cute and pretty gal!!! she’s grown so much, more mature alr and know what it means to get her priorities right!!! she loves cooking and pam loves her cooking too!!!!! she’s gonna teach me how to cook and bake after my exams!!! (=

i’m thankful for sylvia too!!!!! new to me and to some of the cg mbrs but she’s an awesome gal!!! ever-ready to commit!! a strong and determined gal! (=

i’m thankful for jeffery!!! new addition to the cg but he’s super on fire!!! WOOHOO!!! rather quiet at first but slowly starting to open up with us !! =DD

i’m thankful for amos!!!! always so willing to do stuff for the cg and always so generous!!! he loves to shop and is the road to a funky makeover!!! (=

i’m thankful for kenneth!!!!! my one and only dancer in the cg!! passionate for dance and definitely passionate for God too!!! (=

i’m thankful for kristin!!! haha. pretty gal ah!!! rather blur and silly at times but i still lover her! haha.

i’m thankful for isaiah!!!!!!! seeing how much he’s grown adds on to my joy and satisfaction!!! he’s really learning how to commit to the house of God and it’s really awesome talking to him! crappy and rubbishy boy! haha.

i’m thankful for ernah!!!!!!!! yes yes!! dearest ernah!!!! (= growing strong in the Lord and man!!! she has changed so much since i last knew her!!! she’s so noisy with the cg now!!! haha. a good listener and to me, i think she gives good advice too! (=

i’m thankful for stella!!!!! another gal i’m really really proud off!!! to see how much she has grown and how much she loves the Lord, i’m feel so so so proud of her!!! always willing to stand in the gap.. and a super duper ultra responsible gal!!! (=

i’m thankful for zoe!!!!!!! dearest zoe!!!!!! (= she definitely knows wat it means to love her leaders, to love the cg and to love the people around her! boundless amount of energy and a gal with GREAT capacity!!! (=

i’m thankful for xiaoqian!!!!! all her lame jokes can be quite funny at times! haha. a caring and loving gal! (:

i’m thankful for miaomiao!! another new addition to our cg!!!! a gal who is strong agst all odds!!! super cute and funny gal!!! she and stella just loves to bicker with each other! haha. (=

i’m thankful for weiming! though sometimes i can get annoyed, he’s still a good member! haha. good-hearted and does not bear grudges!! can get quite crazy and funny at times when he drops off that “i am cool” and aloof shell!!! (=

so yea!! there are so many things that i can be thankful for!! and being thankful makes me happy!!! i thank God for this life that i’m living… i thank God for my salvation… i thank God for all that He has done for me and for u!! (=

thank You for the chance to live again
thank You for the promises You’ve made

Abba Father
Daddy God… (=

how to say?

well, for the first time.. i feel like as tho i have no one else to turn to or to say what i really feel on the inside without having to face any negative comments or judgemental attitudes. or maybe.. i’m just thinking too much… or maybe i just dunno how to really say wat i feel on the inside and maybe that’s why i’m blogging..

is it all the stress that i’m facing and hence this sad feeling??? or is it becoz of wat i’ve done ytd? was i too harsh on them?? maybe they hate me after ytd.. ha. i really do not noe..

sometimes i feel like as though i’m a BIG FAT HORRENDOUS D-MONSTER!!! ha.

i’m fighting this battle… of self-doubt and self-esteem… come on pam!!! pick out the bible verses that would pick urself up!

but then again…

my mind was just blank. i couldnt think of anything. nothing at all… or maybe there is a verse.. one of my all time favourite.. God is the strength of my heart..

meditate on that verse! meditate on that verse! God, plse give me a revelation. strengthen my heart.. strengthen my broken heart… no one understands how i truly feel except You..

yea, i guess i’ll be fine after a while!!

pam will be fine because she has a great big daddy God!!! come on come on!!! everything will be fine…